The Adventures of Julie

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Enjoy the Silence

I'm baaackkk and for all you doubters I stick my tongue out at you. Not only did I finish the ten day silent retreat; I rocked it out. Who know that my ADHD -ohhhh shiny - personality could be tampted down and put into lotus position? I was pretty much at the top of the list for those who said I couldn't do it or would go mad (was close a few times).

THE RULES

So here's the skinny (literally, we only got two meals a day and on day 9 "monk day" when we got to live like real monks (yipee) we only got one meal at 8am). First of all Buddhists are really really into suffering apparently and the only way to avoid suffering is to take everything fun out of life (yes, I get the irony). So they live by these 8 noble truths. I'll give you the cliff notes version. First, no sex. Can't even think about it - "keep the mind and body free from sexual activity." Second, no drugs or alcohol. They are "substances that intoxicate and lead to carelessness." Third, no eating between dawn and noon, and no caffeine or sugar, or meat. Fourth, no "dancing, singing, playing or listening to music, watching shows, wearing garlands (??) and beautifying oneself with perfumes and cosmetics". Finally, no sleeping on anything comfortable at all. My room was a cell, literally. Concrete block and wooden pillow, yes a wooden pillow. A few other things, the opposite sex is a dangerous temptation (they might make us think about S-E-X), so boys sit one side of the dining and mediation halls and girls on the other, and do yoga in a different area entirely (so as not to tempt each other with suggestive body movements. (There is actually a sign warning against suggestive stretching). There are no clocks. There is a bell for everything. I am now like Pavlov's dog. At the sound of a bell I will wake up, roll over, sit up, do yoga, eat, and meditate.

So here is our daily schedule.

4am Wake up (with the bell being rung over and over again, til
you want to put your pillow over your head and scream, but
you can't cause it is wooden)
4:30 - 5:15 Sitting meditation
5:15 - 7 Yoga
7 - 8 Dharma talk
8 Breakfast and chores then free time
10 - 11 Dharma talk
11-11:45 Walking or standing meditation
11:45 - 12:30 Sitting meditation
12:30 Lunch (last meal of the day) and free time.
2:30 - 3:30 Dharma talk
3:30 - 4:15 Walking or standing meditation
4:15 - 5 Sitting mediation
5-6 Loving Kindness chanting
6 Tea(the cup of hot chocolate soy milk that we all came to
live for. They gave us regular soy milk one day and it almost
got violent)
7:30 -8 Sitting meditation
8-8:30 Group walking meditation
8:30 - 9 Sitting meditation.
9:30 Lights out.


Okay so now to give you some insights into the inner workings of the silent retreat I give you some excerpts from my super secret highly illegal journal (yeah, no books, or writing of any kind. We are susposed to turn all that stuff in at the beginning of the retreat along with our laptops, phones, cameras, etc).

DAY 1

* I am going on one hour of sleep, hung over, sunburned, and getting a cold(yeah it seemed like such a good idea at the time to have one last wild night before getting locked up). The only thing that could make this more perfect would be getting my period...yeah. Off to a great start.

* They rang the bell to start the silence and you could feel the moment. It just gets harder from here. Tonight the guy in charge said "you can't escape yourself here" well that sounds creepy.

* With my mosquito net up and clothes hung up my cell looks almost homey.

* The monk who gives the Dharma talks in the morning is impossible to understand. The only words I got were suffering and Thailand. Near as I can make out he is happy we are here suffering in Thailand. Brilliant.


DAY 3

* 4am meditation. I don't even try. All I can see in my head is a big huge fluffy bed with pillows, lots and lots of pillows. Ahh, well while we are fantasing, let's throw in a handsome guy, so he can give me lots and lots of (must not think about sex. No sex. No sex)...food. Yeah, food. I need someone to serve me breakfast in bed :). Scrambled eggs, orange with cheddar cheese. Crispy bacon. Home fries with red onion. Flaky biscuits. Fresh pressed coffee. Mimosas. Sigh.

* So far my meditation runs something like this "Concentrate. Mindful breathing. Watch every breath. Breath in. Breath out. In. Out. In. Out. Hey I am kinda good a this. what else am I good at? Scuba diving. Oh I can't wait to go to Ko Tao and see all the pretty shiny fish. ahhhh. Ok. In. Out. In. Out. I am so hungry. Wonder what's for lunch? How long have we been doing this? That one guy here looks a lot like Bruce Willis, he was really good in that movie, what was it? AHHHHHH. Breathe. in. Breath out. Okay doing good. In. Out. In. Out. Doing good. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps. ahh sleep. and ZZZZZZZZZZ. Wake with a start. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And repeat.

DAY 4

* The random songs in my head are getting stranger. Woke up singing "good morning to you, you live in a shoe." And at breakfast found myself humming "stay on the happy side of life." And I thought, "oh please just don't let me be the one that goes crazy." Cause you know at these things there is always one person who goes bat shit mad and everyone is looking around for that person, praying it is not them. Maybe that is why I think I have been doing so well. I am slowly going mad.

* The girl in the cell next door is masturbating - loudly. Really?? We are not even susposed to be thinking about sex. I really want to go giggle with someone but I can't cause we have to be SILENT. Well at least someone is getting some around here.

DAY 6

* Woke up to It's a beautiful Day by U2 in my head and found I was (gasp) using the wooden pillow. Life gets stranger and stranger. I actually felt good and happy. At four am. and I like the silence. What is happening to me???

* So totally into the meditation. doing the mindful breathing, in - out - empty mind feeling the moment, so proud of myself and then like he is standing right next to me, I hear Joey from Friends go, "Grandma's Chicken Salad." "See I can make anything sound dirty. "And gone. I would have bust out laughing but I don't want to be the crazy one.

DAY 8

* They are dropping like flies at the end of a 5k run in 110 degree heat in the Arizona desert. Lost Blondie, Sexy Thong Girl, Macy's White Sale, and Random Asian Chick #1 today. We started with 70 and about 20 people have left. I am not the only one doing nicknames. Blondie aka Lou, broke the silence before she left and told me my nickname was Enthusiastic Smiley Girl. I did a happy dance. Love it. :)

DAY 9

* They posted the schedule for day 9 and it is as bad as I feared. We only get one meal at 8:30am. We were all crowded around reading the schedule and a mournful voice (okay, my voice) breaks the silence. "No food." Then Bald Hippy Girl walks up, takes in the new schedule, and sums it up with one word. "Fuck". LOL. We also now have a two hour and three hour chunk of time just for meditation. Song on day 10 will be "I'm Still Standing". Watched the sunset. Gorgeous. And then a dip in the hot springs. And now the bell I live by. Wishing myself luck tomorrow.

FINAL THOUGHTS

And now for a more serious note. All really serious things must be dealt with sense of humor, and although the rules were very strict, they did have a purpose and gave order and direction to the retreat and allowed us to leave the world behind and concentrate on our meditation. I actually found peace in the silence and the schedule and liked it. Even though we couldn't talk, we smiled at each other and sense of community and support developed. The time gave me what I really needed, a space to think and not think, to relax from the hurry and stress of the world. Everything was taken care of all I had to do was wander the beautiful grounds, take a dip in the hot springs, nap in the afternoons, and contemplete and meditate. I didn't go crazy, in fact I think I found a lot of the answers I have been seeking and was able to finally let go of a lot of things I have been holding onto as well as find genuine moments of peace and silence and a happiness that I have not felt in a long time. It was a very powerful ten days for me.

by jewel30 at 3:45 AM |